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Abuse in the Lifestyle
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D/s relationships cross the line of social norms and are often seen as abuse. Not necessarily so.

BDSM vs ABUSE; Looking at Patterns of Behavior

by Doctor J

In the vanilla world it is relatively easy to identify abuse. Behaviors of the abuser as well the abused can be easily attributed to abuse when compared to an emotionally healthy relationship. Due to the nature of BDSM and D/s, the line between relationships based on these concepts and abuse can become blurred. This makes it difficult for the person being abused to recognize it. It can be even more difficult for the outside observer to determine if the behaviors they are observing are just a part of someone's D/s relationship or if the person is being abused.

D/s relationships cross the line of social norms and are often seen as abuse by people who do not understand D/s (either by lack of education or by choice). I've experienced people who have a good understanding of BDSM who will identify some behaviors as abusive when the participants receive pleasure from them. I recall when my wife had her 1 st experience observing others engaged in BDSM play and said, “How can she let him do that to her?” Today, she laughs at herself for having made that comment.

A couple is doing a scene in a public play space and the bottom starts to sob uncontrollably. Some of those observing the scene want to rush in and stop the scene because they believe the bottom is being abused. It is just as likely that the scene is creating a cathartic experience for the bottom and a strong release of emotion.

A Dominant is directing a submissive to engage in activities that are obviously humiliating or addressing the submissive in a harsh manner. If this were done outside the context of BDSM or D/s, there would be no question that the person is being abused. However, humiliation is a part of some D/s relationships and can be arousing for them. On the other hand, it could very well be abuse. I guess the question is: How do we know if it is abuse or not? I believe that the answer does not lie in the behaviors themselves. Abusive relationships have common themes and patterns that are outside the bounds of BDSM for most people.

By definition, submissives are supposed to submit to the Dominant. Submissives are taught to obey and not to question the Dominant. D/s and M/s relationships would not work very well if the submissive was questioning the Dominant's actions and motives. Although it is common for people to get thoughts and opinions of others regarding their relationships, someone who is being abusive most certainly does not want others to question his/her actions. A common factor in abusive relationships is the isolation of the person being abused. The abused person has restricted contact with friends, family, and other social support networks. The Dominant demands to know who the submissive communicates with and the content of the communication (or has to be present when the abused person interacts with others). Many abusers prohibit contact with parents and children. This enables the abuser to abuse unfettered by outside influences.

By definition, a submissive is supposed to submit to the Dominant. A submissive is expected to respect and please the Dominant. The submissive's goal is to please the Dominant and seeks his/her approval. He/she may fear disappointing or not meeting the expectations of the Dominant. A submissive could receive punishment for an infraction of some rule or when expectations are not being met. Punishment is a part of some D/s relationships. A submissive may fear being punished for one reason or another. Fear of the Dominant is an entirely different thing. Most people in the BDSM lifestyle believe that a D/s relationship is based on trust and that the submissive should feel safe and protected by the Dominant. The fact that a submissive fears the Dominant could well indicate that there is some degree of abuse taking place.

A submissive's inability to make decisions could also indicate that abuse is taking place. An abuse victim loses all confidence because it becomes impossible to please the Dominant. No matter what the submissive does, the outcome is always the same. The Dominant continues to be abusive. The submissive questions every action taken and finds it impossible to make decisions.

It can be difficult to determine if a given D/s relationship is abusive. This is true partially due to the fact that we all have different views about what constitutes abuse and what is D/s. The patterns of behavior discussed in this article are common to abusive relationships and might help us to identify abusive relationships. A submissive who is experiencing what might be abuse might benefit by identifying if these patterns exist in the relationship in which they are currently involved.

Doctor J

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Sources
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Doctor J - ALT therapist
http://www.ALTtherapist.com
email: askdoctorj@gmail.com

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