Polyamorous Love
by Jack Rinella

It's a busy weekend at the Rinella household, though in reality it will appear to be a very quiet one. I'm in Palm Springs as a presenter at Sampler, where I am also getting to know a slave applicant. Brian is off to Michigan to experience bottoming for a couple he recently met. Even quiet, usually happy-at-home Patrick has a master coming  over on Saturday night to experience the sexual side of my slave.

You can see why I sometimes wonder if we are simply less polyamorous and more promiscuous than I might like to think. That doesn't mean I have anything against promiscuity, as long as it is practiced honestly and fairly, which means no cheating allowed. And yes, as my slave, Patrick needs (and has) my permission to play this weekend, which proves that I share my toys.

Last week's column on love talked about the various forms it can take. What it didn't cover in any detail was a consideration of polyamorous love. How do you create it and how does it work? The quick and succinct answer is “With much difficulty.”

Yes, on paper this weekend's scenario of three different trysts sounds like fun. We hope, too, that it will be fun in the doing. Still the realities of human feelings are ever-present:  fear, anxiety, and self-doubt plague even the strongest of players. Protestations of love and assurances that “this changes nothing between us” are surely well-meant but too often offer little comfort.

If I sound negative about the subject of polyamory, it's because I recognize the very real dangers that venturing beyond established sexual and amorous boundaries can bring. At its worse, failed polyamory can amount to emotional and financial disaster and lots of other trouble. On the positive side it offers all the benefits of an extended family: security, economies of scale, diverse resources, deep friendships, multiple intimacies, and plenty of good times.

Much of the challenge latent in polyamorous love has to do with the subtle and too often ignored difference between intellectual assent and the emotional aspects of love. For many of us it is relatively easy to give intellectual assent to the idea of polyamory. After all, for many the thought of living in such a “sexual smorgasbord” is downright attractive. The very real desire called lust gives impetus to the rational idea that we can handle it.

In the cool-headedness of being rational we see no problem with sharing ourselves. Having broken with the mores of American culture by being kinky, we think that we are free of many of the other customs that our culture advocates, including monogamy. By doing so, we might be too quick to discount the force of that very real facet of modern life. That's not to say that monogamy is honored in the practice as much as it is honored in the preaching but nevertheless the concept of monogamy still holds powerful sway over our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Rationality isn't the only motivation to accept polyamory. Love, in its very strong emotional component, sometimes adds its unrealistic assent to the practice. By that I mean that there are times when love blinds us to the reality of a situation and simultaneously encourages us with the idea that love will make us strong enough to overcome any obstacle that might hinder a full expression of that love.

That idea is summed up in the phrase “Love will find a way” or “Where there's a will there's a way.” It implies that if our love is strong enough we can overcome any roadblock in our path to a strong, healthy, and successful relationship. Unfortunately such thinking (or rather I might write wishful-thinking) is akin to the idea that marrying an alcoholic will sober him up, that a relationship will always change the other for the better, or that my love will conquer any problem, as when the mistress erroneously believes that eventually her boyfriend will leave his wife for her.

Unfortunately we really can't ignore the cost of emotional roller coasting. In time the very real (though perhaps subconscious) conflicts between polyamory and monogamy will have to be dealt with. Yes we may love enough to join the family but are we strong enough to survive the emotional trauma of doubt that polyamory may bring? Are we secure enough to resist the powerful feelings of jealousy, possible loss, or abandonment? Are we as willing as we think we are to share and share alike in the ménage of multiple relationships?

Even after nearly 13 years of partnering I often wonder what Patrick feels as I kiss him good-night and take Brian to my bedroom. Notice that I still wonder, even though I have asked him that question on many occasions, even though I already know his answer and understand it.

Yes I might appear solidly placed in my polyamorous family but no one, not even Jack Rinella, is immune to self-doubt and fear. There is no accounting for emotions. One might posit, as did Carl Jung, that they spring from one's unconscious, but that only lends an intellectual explanation, one that doesn't hinder in any way their springing. The emotional roller coaster is always lurking just under the surface, waiting to start lifting its rider to new heights or plunging her to new lows.

There are, too, physical limitations. Only in the rarest of situations, for example, is a three-way a three-way. In reality it is a third person watching the other two enjoy themselves or (as is sometimes the case in my bed) the two pleasing the third.

* * * * *

Back home on Sunday, I can report on last night's adventures. I had a great time in Palm Springs and the applicant is one step closer to becoming more than an applicant. Now the difficult part of incorporating a new man into the family begins. At present that seems to pose no problem, both because there is little likelihood of this becoming anything other than a long distant relationship and because he is liked by all of us. What the future holds in this, only time will tell.

Brian enjoyed himself in Michigan but was thrilled to be back with me. On the way home from the airport he actually said he was glad to be back home. There's a telling indication: he's comfortable enough in our relationship to call my home his. Yeah!

Patrick cancelled his date, when he found out that the top mostly wanted him to come over to clean house. Good decision. I would have been pissed to think he had cleaned someone else's place when ours could use some touching up here and there. Polyamorists must keep their priorities in order.

So we come together for dinner, enjoy the fact that we're all back home safely and life at the Rinella's continues its adventurous rhythm. Stayed tuned.

Have a great week.

You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at:

http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maaml8XabK9YwaCIxGEb/

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Copyright 2008 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.