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Non-Vanilla Humor
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What NOT to say to your Dominant


Pushing limits does not mean making Master so angry the vein above his right eye throbs.


"Quit it!" "Ow, damnit!" "I'm hiding that toy when you go to work tomorrow" and cursing a blue streak are not safe words.


"Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.


"Ya want fries with that?", "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Master gives you an elaborate drink order.


Flipping your Dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things.


Putting lube, goop, Superglue, ink or any other substance that will sully the hands of Master on his toys while setting up for a session is not a good idea.


Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Master will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.


"Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command.


Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Master's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.


Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.


Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.


Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your Dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise.


There is no such thing as slave immunity, free slave day, or the pms defense.


The slave jury might not convict you, but the Dom judge will override the verdict. Count on it.


Pretending Master's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.


Repeatedly blowing out each candle Master lights during wax play will get you punished.


Checking Master's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.


"I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.


Using the spreader bars, paddles or canes for the fireplace is not a good plan.


"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.


When Master pulls out his belt and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek...he will find you eventually.


Calling Merry Maids when you are ordered to spruce the place up is not what your Dominant had in mind.


"Faster, faster, we need a new Master" is NOT the song to sing during a session.


Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your Dominant say he is not pleased.


During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master" when ordered to fetch something.


Adding "Sir" "Maa'm" or "Master" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you.


Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolish.


Arguing whether "Master might not be right, but Master is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation."


Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG.


Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers.

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