~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Non-Vanilla Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Collection Plate
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from a prison where he had been locked up for 15 years. He brakes into several houses to look for money and guns.
At one he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up to a chair. He then proceeds to tie the wife to the bed. The escapee then gets on top of her and kisses her on her neck .. then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain .. do whatever he tells you! Satisfy him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting on a bench
A Sadist... a masochist... a murderer... a necrophile... a zoophile and a pyromanic were all sitting on a bench ...
"Lets have sex with a cat" ... said the zoophile ...
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it." ... stated the Sadist ...
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it!" ... shouted the murderer ...
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again." ... continued the necrophile ...
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it." ... said the pyromaniac ...
There was a silence ...
then the masochist looks around ...
and says ................... "MEOW" ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women surprise their men
Three women, one engaged, one a Mistress, and one married, were chatting about their relationships .. and decided to surprise and amaze their men.
The three concocted to seduce them by wearing a black leather bodice (S&M style), tall sleek stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they met again ..
The engaged one said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and my mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you .. and then we made love all night long!'
The Mistress reported: 'Oh Yes! I met MY man the other night in his office. I was wearing my black leather bodice, mega stilettos, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night!'
The married one chimed in: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's place for the weekend. I got myself ready .. with the leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When my husband came in from work, he grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey, Batgirl, what's for dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Closet
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: 'Dark in here'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes into the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in MY closet now.'
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.
|
