The Collection Plate
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from a prison where he had been locked up for 15 years. He brakes into several houses to look for money and guns.
At one he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up to a chair. He then proceeds to tie the wife to the bed. The escapee then gets on top of her and kisses her on her neck .. then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain .. do whatever he tells you! Satisfy him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
